The Grandmother was pleased to attend her Grandson's wedding. At the Church the Usher asked, "Whose side are you on?" The Grandmother replied, "Oh NO! Are they fighting already?!"
Two Quite Meals
A good while ago my wife and I heard a radio minister exhorting that having a nice, quite meal twice a week would help the marriage relationship. We thought that it sounded good, so I go out on Tuesday and the wife goes out on Thursday!
Two boys were walking home from Sunday Church where they had discussed Noah and the Ark in class. One boy asked the other "Do you think Noah fished a lot on the Ark?" "No way!" declared the other boy "he only had two worms!"
Died in the Service
A church had a plaque on the wall that listed the names of members who had died in the military. One Sunday a young boy was looking at the plaque and asked the Pastor, who standing next to him, what the names meant. The Pastor told the boy that they were the names of those who had lost their life in the service. Without hesitating the boy asked "Was that in the early or late service?"
Not taking a chance!
A mother and her daughters were on a trip to Isreal, when she unexpectedly died. The daughters weren't sure what to do, so one called her husband at home. She told him it would only be $500 to bury her outside Jerusalem, but $5000 to send her back to the States. The son-in-law said "Send her home".
The daughter asked "Why? It cost so much." He said "Listen, 2000 years ago they buried a guy there and three days later he rose from the dead and I just don't want to take any chances!"
I like to think that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it 'brella', but he hesitated . Um?
A man went to enter the store and saw a sign saying 'Beware of Dog' on the door. He entered carefully and saw a big old dog sleeping in front of the register.
"Is that the dog?" he asked. "Yes" replied the owner. "Well he doesn't look very mean to me." he said. "No he's not." said the store keeper. "Then why the Beware of Dog sign?" he asked. "Because before I put up the sign people kept tripping over him!"
WHY DIDN'T YOU COME BACK?
A man told the Doctor that he couldn't sleep at night because he thought there was someone living under his bed. The Doctor told him to come back three times a week for three months, at $300 a visit, and he could cure him. The man said that was quite costly, so he'd have to think about it.
A few months later the Doctor meets the man on the street and asks why he hadn't returned for treatment. The man replied "I'm better. I asked for prayer at church and the Pastor gave me a Word of Wisdom."
What was that? asked the doctor. The Pastor said "Just cut the legs off your bed!"
The grave site service had just ended and suddenly there was a loud thunder, then a bolt of lightening that was followed by an even louder clash of thunder. Then an elderly man turned to the Pastor and proclaimed, "Well, she just arrived!!"
QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES
Q. How do you make Holy Water?
A. Get regular water and boil the devil out of it.
Q. Who was the shortest person in the Bible?
A. Bildad the Shuhite ("shoe-height").
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.
Q. Why did God create man before woman?
A. Because He didn't want any advice on how to do it.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. He was Ruthless.
Q. Who was the greatest investor in the Bible and why?
A. Noah: He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the best comedian in the Bible and why?
A. Samson: He brought the house down.
Q. How does Moses make his coffee?
A. Hebrews it.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
A LONG WINDED PREACHER
Billy Graham once told this story about a long winded preacher. He said it was at a conference with several speakers scheduled to speak about 15 minutes each.
Well, the first speaker spoke within his time limit but the second speaker just kept on talking. He spoke five minutes over, then 10, then it reached 20 minutes over and it looked like he just wasn't going to quit. So, the chairman, who was seated behind the speaker, took the gavel and threw it at the man to get his attention. However, he missed and the gavel hit a lady sitting on the front row right on the head. An usher saw what happened and quickly ran to her aid and asked if she was OK. She replied "NO! Hit me again I can still hear him!"
SOFT SPOKEN PRAYER:
At a bible study the leader asked a elderly man to say a prayer for the meeting. He bowed his head and softly prayed for God's blessing on the meeting. Another man spoke up roughly saying he couldn't hear him. To this the praying man replied, "I wasn't talking to you!"
My son and I were driving in the country one day and we passed a pasture with a herd of cows. I told my son "There are 27 cows in that field."
"How can you tell?" he asked. I said, "Easy! I just counted the legs and divided by four!"
The other day as we were driving we came to a railroad crossing and had to stop. I told the family that a train had just gone by there.
"How could you tell?" they asked. "It left tracks !" I proclaimed.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF FAMILY DINNING
BY DAD OSBORN November 24, 2005
Note, with five children, plus friends, rules for dinning had to be established. In times of old, they were only transmitted verbally, but now are being written for posterity or a good laugh.
1. Once seated for dinner, no one will leave the table unless one of the following occurs:
A. You finish all your food and are dismissed by Mom or Dad.
B. You have a call from school, coach, church or employment.
C. You have a call of nature.
D. Dad feels it would be educational for us all to eat while watching the Bulls Game on TV.
2. No complaining about the food! Our family meals always come with a least two choices – ‘take it or leave it’. Plus, we add the old guilt standby of ‘someone is starving in the world’.
3. Take all you want, but eat all you take. Since this rule is strictly enforced, it is better to take small portions of Mom’s experimental health food dishes or unknown substances.
A mistake here could mean a long and unpleasant dining experience. Also, NO saving food for purgatory or the dog.
4. Touching food on another’s plate is ‘At your own Risk’. Any resulting Emergency Room bills will come out of your allowance!
5. ‘Pass the Rolls’ does not imply a ‘Football Pass Play’. Beaning your brother or sister on the head with any food item will result in an automatic 3-day ‘intentional grounding penalty’.
6. No food is to be placed in your nose or ears. We do not want to be known as a family with an eating disorder.
7. Forks, spoons and knives will be used, no fingers allowed! The exception is for finger foods. Which food that quality as finger food are open for short discussion, until Dad gives the final word. Also, fingers can be used in the extreme case of cooked meat reaching the texture of ‘shoe leather’.
8. The ‘Table Conversation Rule’ is that only, and I repeat only, 3 people can be speaking at once! And try to keep your foot out of your mouth! All can laugh.
9. Always compliment the cook! Even if you possibly find some tin foil or the pre-heat to 350 degrees label in your food. Note: A loud ‘belch’ is not considered a compliment!
10. Always offer God a ‘Prayer of Thanksgiving’ for Jesus, family, friends and provision.
It was a hot day at school, so the teacher pasted out a cup of ice at recess. When the bell rang little Johnny didn't want to waste the ice he had left, so he put it in his pocket.
The first class was social studies, so the teacher ask one student what they would call a man from Africa. He replied, "an African." "How about the a man from America?" asked the teacher. A another student said "an American."
So, she asked little Johnny what they would call a man from Europe. Little Johnny was silent, so the little girl behind him yelled out "European!" To that Johnny shot back, "No I'm not, that's just ice melt'n in my pocket!"
10 House Rules (And I'm Not Joking!!!)
1. If you open it, close it
2. If you eat from it, wash it.
3. If you drop it, pick it up.
4. If you sleep in it, make it.
5. If it rings, answer it.
6. If it cries, hug it.
7. If it’s good, do it.
8. If it’s rude, stop it.
9. If you believe it, live it.
10. If it’s evil, run from it.
ONE GREAT SHAVE
After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small southern town decided he had been doing that long enough. He told his wife that from then on he’d let the local barber shave him each day. The man went to the barbershop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist church. The barber’s wife, whose name was Grace, shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water. “That will be twenty dollars,” she said. The man thought the price was a bit high and wondered how he’d continue to foot such a bill, but he paid for the service and went off to work. The next morning, the man looked in the mirror and saw that his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. He couldn’t understand it, so he returned to the barber shop. “I thought twenty dollars was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.” The woman’s face showed no surprise. “Well, of course,” she said. “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”
EVERY TEN YEARS
Every ten years monks in the monestery are allowed to break their vow of silence and speak two words.
Ten years passes and it's one monks chance to speak. He thinks hard and finally says "Bed Hard."Ten more years pass and again the monk get to speak two words. He says "Food Bad."
Another decade passes and the monk says "I Quit." To which the lead monks replies, "That doesn't surprise me at all, because you've been complaining ever since you got here!"
1. What did the dog say after a long day at work? It was ruff.
2. Excuse me, Waiter: but this coffee tastes like mud. Yes, sir, It's fresh ground.
1. Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double-crosser.
2. Knock, knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Say, I didn't know you could yodel.
Question: It may only given, not taken or bought: what the sinner desires but the saintly do not. What is it?
Answer is backwards: ssenevigrof
THE SIDE ACHE
A young boy, the next day after hearing in Sunday School how God took a rib from Adam's side and made his wife Eve, was running around the track at school and got a side ache. When the teacher saw him bent over he went and asked what was wrong. The boy replied, "I think I'm having a wife!"
"A deeply faithful
Christian man is stuck on roof at home with massive
flooding up to the 2nd
floor. Rowboat comes. He says "No, I'm
waiting for God. I prayed and I
know he's coming." 2nd Rowboat. "No,
I'm waiting for God." 3rd Rowboat. "No, I'm waiting for God."
Water rises. The
man drowns. Now he's meeting God in heaven. The
religious man says, "Where
were you God? I prayed. I was faithful. I asked you to
save me. Why would
you abandon me?"
God says, "Hey, I sent
you 3 rowboats."
So what if I can't spell Armageddon? It's not end of the world. -Stewart Francis
My doctor looked at my belly and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do daily: lift paper weights, jump to conclusions, climb the wall, drag my feet, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge and beat around the bush.
Those 10 pushups I did last month did no good, I'm still weak!
I started my radical exercise program yesterday and so far I've only missed one day!
BE CAREFUL HOW YOU HEAR
The Pastor noticed a man in his congregation noticeably gaining weight and asked him about it. The man proudly responded "Yes, I am. That sermon you preached about those who weight (wait) on the Lord shall renew their strength, really hit home!" >/p>
CLEVER T SHIRT SAYINGS
Dude be Nice!
I don't want to, I don't have to, I won't - I'm Retired!
Born in the USA - A long, long time ago!
Work for God, the retirement is out of this world!
Jesus is my Rock and that's how I roll!
You are what you eat, so I'm a pizza!
I'm so far in debt I'm thinking of starting my own country!
I'm not fat, I'm value sized!
I'm not fussy, I just want a hamburger that looks like the one in the commercial.
Respect your Elders, they graduated school without the internet!
You know your old when your walker has an airbag!
COMMON SENSE, so rare it's kinda like a superpower!
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Tribal name for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish or light fires!
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat!
You know that little voice inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn't? I think I need one!
I changed my car horn to sound like gunfire, people get out of my way faster now!
Dear Algebra, Please stop making me find your X. She's never coming back and don't ask Y!
Make no doubt about it - Jesus is Lord!
To say the least, I'm into Jesus!
If you want breakfast in bed, then sleep in the kitchen!
There's good pain and bad pain. Yeah Right!!
Men to the left, because Women are always right.
Don't let your mind wander, it's to little to be out alone.
I give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 25% on Wednesday, 32% on Thursday and 8% on Friday.
My policy is to blame the computer.
I kid proofed my home, but they still get in!
Are you Kitten me right Meow?
I'm so busy I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse.
Exercise??? I thought you said EXTRA FRIES!
I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.
I could be morning person, if morning happened at noon.
I consider on time to be when I get there.
OOPS! Did I roll my eyes out loud!
People said follow your dream, so I went back to bed!
Don't make me put my hands on my hips!
Wait! I don't snore, I dream I'm a motorcycle!
Remember, if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you!
It is what it is.
Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.
You and I are friends, so remember if you fall, I'll always be there to help you up, as soon as I stop laughing!
We'll be friends till we're old and senile, then we'll be new friends.
I would be unstoppable, if only I could get started!
I'd love to have a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
A little gray hair is a small price to pay for all this wisdom!
Brains are awesome, I wish everyone had one.
The only thing you need to fear is fear itself, and spiders!
I may be wrong, but I doubt it!
Note to Self: Just because it pops into my head, doesn't mean it should come out of my mouth.
When a child is born, then a grandmother is born!
Musician: Someone who packs $5000 worth of gear into a van and drives 100 miles to make $50.
I make a cup of coffee disappear, so what's your super power?
Nurses can't fix stupid, but they can sedate it!
Never laugh at your wife's choices, you are one of them!
Sometimes when I open my mouth, my mother comes out.
Jesus loves you, but I'm his favorite.
I am who I am, your approval isn't needed.
I may be left handed, but I'm always right!
I did a cartwheel the other day thinking it was like riding a bike, it's not!
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Love you more!
Have you been gaining weight recently? Well, perhaps it's your shampoo. If you use shampoo in the shower check the label carefully, because when you wash your hair the shampoo soap runs down the whole body and if the shampoo clearly states on the label that it is “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME”, then if the labels true, you will be gaining weight!
Well here is the solution. Just get rid of that shampoo and start showering with Dawn dish soap, because the label reads “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE!” Then previous shampoo weight gain problem will be solved! Right?!
The Church Game of Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
Touchdown – When the Truth of God’s word hits home!
Field Goal – The Preacher stays right with his message and doesn’t wander off.
Touchback – When nothing seems to go as planned.
Lateral - Asking someone else to answer a question or to pray.
Punt - When we say, “I’ll pray about that.”
Tackle - Take on a big question and answer it with scriptural truth.
Huddle - Standing in a circle and praying.
Kickoff - Starting the service off with prayer.
How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)
Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What’s a light bulb?
SOME CHRISTIAN ICE BREAKERS FOR YOUNG MEN
It can be hard to for young men to start a conversation with a young lady for the first time, so here are ten ice breaker lines that might help. Or not!
1. Hi there, I know all five of the love languages!
2. I didn't believe in predestination until now.
3. I'm glad Adam gave up that rib for you.
4. If I were Sampson I'd let you cut off my hair.
5. I would part the Red Sea to get to you.
6. Last night I was reading the book of Numbers and realized I didn't have yours.
6. I'd love to get left behind with you.
7. Solomon had 700 wives because he never met you.
8. Is this heaven, because you look like an angel.
9. The Bible says Moses's face shone, it must have looked just like yours.
10. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
ALL DENOMINATIONS WELCOME
My Church is really open to all denominations, but prefers $10's and $20's.
KIDS ARE FREE
One Sunday, a young boy went to church with his Grandparents and watched as people put money in the offering plate. As the plate came to the row they were in, he saw his Grandfather pull out his wallet. The boy then poked his Grandfather and said, "Don't put any in for me, because I'm only five and kids eat for free!"
RALPH AND THE POPE
Ralph and his neighbor became golfing buddies. He began to notice that Ralph seemed to know everyone. So, jokingly I asked him one day, after the mayor had greeted him, “Do you know everyone?” He answered a simple “Yes.”
I replied, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?"
He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He get out his cell phone and dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"
He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president. Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.
His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.'
But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend decides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction.
So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in St. Peter's Square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.
Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?"
"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was when some Asian man standing next to me said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'"
THE BAPTIST DOG
The Pastor's wife wanted a dog, but it had to a Baptist Dog. So, they went to pet stores looking.
At each store they stated their request for a Baptist dog, but didn't have much success, until they went to one small store. The owner said," I have just the right dog for you."
He brought out the dog and told it to fetch the Bible, and sure enough he did. Then he asked the dog to find Acts 2:38 in the Bible. The dog pawed thru the pages until he found the verse and pointed to it. Wow said the couple, "We'll take him!"
Once home the Pastor and his wife had some church friends over and wanted them to see the Baptist dog. They had him fetch the Bible and look up several verses. The friends were impressed and said he was a real Baptist!
Then the Pastor wanted to see if he could do more, so he commanded the dog to heel. "Heel!" commanded the Pastor. The dog immediately jumped up on the Pastor's lap and placed his paw on his forehead and began to howl!
At that the Pastor said loudly, "Oh no, he's a Pentecostal!"
TEN THINGS YOU RARELY HEAR IN CHURCH
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
A newly married woman was explaining to her Pastor that her new husband was verbally abusing her with four letter words. She said it was horrible!
The Pastor was very concerned and asked, "What kind of four letter words is he saying?"
"Pastor, they are so tormenting," she replied with a sob. Again the Pastor asked her, "Please tell me, what are words?
"OK, Pastor, I'll tell you" she replied, "They are words like "work, cook, dust, wash, iron....!"
A Sermon on Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Hymns for All Professions
Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
LITTLE LEAGUE RULES
Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a Little League game for a conference.
"See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir," replied Larry.
"Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please try to explain it to your mother."
One evening at supper, the Dad asked their son what he had learned at school that day. The boy said that they learned how to make babies.
The Father replied cautiously, "Oh! How exactly do you make babies?"
The boy replied quickly, "It's easy. You take the word ' baby' and replace the 'y' with 'ies'.
Golf stands for Getting Out & Living Fine!
A golfer's diet is to stay on greens as much as possible!
Some golfers play the ball where it lies, and others lie about their play.
The best way to lower a score is with an eraser.
When your hitting the ball poorly you hate golf, but as soon as you hit one good one, you love it!
Even if conditions are bad and you play poorly, it beats being at work!
If you were to hit a ball that strikes someone, you feel really bad, because it has cost you a stroke!
If you hit a ball that might strike someone you are to yell 'fore!', unless they are playing to slow!!
A 'birdie' is not hitting a 'flying fowl' or speaking a 'foul word' after mishitting a ball, but it means a score of one under par on a hole.
A 'par' on a hole is how many strokes it should take to get the ball from the tee box into the cup, which is 'par'ticuliarly hard for most golfers.
A' hole in one' is hitting ball just once off the tee box and having it go in the cup, not having a hole in one of your socks.
An 'Eagle' is not seeing our national bird flying in the sky, but means scoring two under par on a hole.
A 'worm burner' is not a griddle to fry grubs on, but means a ball that's hit with no loft that just skims over the grass.
The terms 'draw and fade' do not refer to painting, but hitting a ball which will curve left or right.
'Mulligan' does not mean your Irish buddy, but it means taking a do over shot.
The 'Driver' is the biggest club in the set that hits the ball the furthest, not the guy driving the golf cart.
A 'Putter' is a flat club used when on the green to stroke the ball into the cup, not someone who takes all day to hit the ball.
'Hitting the Sweet Spot' does not mean stopping by Baskin Robins for ice cream, but having the ball strike the place on the club face which will produce the longest distance.
A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!
There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take. All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.
He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who was saying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.
"Did you say that?" asked the burgler.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot.
"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"
"The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"
CONVERTING A BEAR
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"
So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."
1000 POINTS TO GET INTO HEAVEN
A man dies and goes to heaven when Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, “You need 1000 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all of the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item. When you reach 1000 points, you get in.”
“Okay,” the man says, “I was happily married to the same woman for fifty years and never cheated on her, not even in my mind.”
“That’s wonderful,” says Peter, “that’s worth two points!”
“Two points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and gave my ten percent tithe faithfully.”
“Terrific!” says Peter. “That’s definitely worth a point.”
“One point? My goodness! Well, what about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for the homeless?”
“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.
“TWO POINTS!” the man cries. “At this rate the only way I can get into heaven is by the grace of God!”
Peter says,"That's absolutely correct - come on in!"
THE PEARLY GATES
Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gate in heaven and noticed a bunch rough looking gang members, who had just died in a car crash, coming toward him. He went to the Lord and asked what he should do with the gang.
The Lord asked Peter "What do usually do?" Peter replied that he just directed them where they should go. "Just do that,"said the Lord. So Peter left.
Soon he returned yelling, "They are gone, they are gone!" The Lord asked, "You mean the gang members?" "No" said Peter, "The Pearly Gates!"
You Ask Him
Once an Atheist Teacher challenged a Christian student about how Jonah could have survived three days in the belly of that whale. The student just said he didn't know, but would ask Jonah what it was like when he saw him in heaven.
The Teacher sarcastically asked, "What if Jonah isn't in heaven but went to hell?" The student quickly replied, "Then you ask him!"
ONE LINE ZINGERS
* If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?
* Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
* The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
* "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.”
* Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: “First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.”
* "If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must love our church.”
LOOKS ARE DECIEVING
Some people who look like they are taking notes during the sermon are secretly seeing how many words can be made from letters in 'Corithians'.
MY DAD IS BETTER THAN YOUR DAD
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A PUBLICIST FOR MOSES
Moses: “How are we going to get across the sea? The Egyptians are close behind us!”
General of the army: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build our own bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time for that.”
Admiral of the navy: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.”
Public relations officer: “I don’t have a solution, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of here, I’ll get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!”
THE WEATHER REPORT
A young Indian was made chief, after the passing of his father, and the tribe asked him what the winter would be like. He hadn't learned the old ways of reading the animal behavior, so he just said to start gathering wood. He then called the weather bureau and asked if the winter would be hard. They told him that it looked like it would be a hard one.
Later, the tribe again asked the young Chief about the coming winter and he again told them to gather in more wood. After that he again called the weather bureau and asked if they were sure about the cold winter prediction. "Yes, very cold" they told him.
As the weather changed, again the tribe asked about the winter and he once again said to keep gathering wood. But to make sure of his advise, he once again called the weather bureau and asked if they were sure of their hard winter prediction. They said "We're positive! Very hard!" "How do you know?" he asked. "Because the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!"
One day a young man was praying and asked the Lord, " What is a million years like to you?" The Lord replied, "It's like a second to you."
Again the young man asked the Lord, "What is million dollars like to you?" Again the Lord answered, "It's like a penny to you."
Then the young man said boldly, "Can I have a penny!" The Lord quickly replied, "Sure, in a second!!"
A man that had just retired was asked of his wife, "What you going to do today?" He replied, "Nothing!" She shot back, "But that's what you did yesterday!" He quickly replied, "Yeah, but I wasn't finished!"
THE BLAME GAME
Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the Serpent and the Serpent didn't have a leg to stand on!!
BEEN TO CHURCH LATELY?
Two friends were talking and one made mention of having gone to church last Sunday morning. The other commented that they hadn't been to church in a long time. In fact, they said "I have probably broken all seven commandments by now!!!
ST. GEORGE AND THE DRAGON
A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answered the door.
The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”
"No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.
He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”
THE LION AND THE MISSIONARY
One day a missionary in Africa was sitting under a big tree by the edge of the jungle praying. All at once he could hear a noise and sensed something approaching from behind. As it came near him he could smell that it was a lion and felt it's hot breath on his neck.
He was afraid to move, so he nervously prayed to the Lord "What is this lion thinking?". All of a sudden he could actually hear the lions thoughts. The Lion was praying, "Thank you oh Lord for this meal for which I am about to enjoy!"
************* CHURCH BLOOPERS
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
On the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada: "In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."
Father is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Announcement: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."
The agenda was adopted. The minutes were approved. The financial secretary gave a grief report.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All."**************
THE YOUNG PROUD LION
One day a young lion was walking through the jungle and spotted a monkey. He ran up to the monkey, grabbed his tail and slammed him to the ground. Standing over him he asked, "Who's king of the jungle?" To this the monkey replied, "Oh, you are Mr. Lion!" "That's right" said the lion and let the monkey go.
As the lion continued he saw a snake and did the same as he did to monkey, asking, "Who's king of the jungle?" As the snake replied "Oh, you are Mr. Lion" the lion released him saying, "That's right!"
Then the Lion saw a big elephant and ran up to it asking, "Who's king of the jungle?" The elephant just looked down, picked up the lion in his tusks, shook him violently, threw him to the ground and then put his big foot on the lions chest.
The young lion shook his head and looked up sheepishly and says, "Gee whiz! You don't have to get so mad, just because you don't know the answer!"