The New Website

Christian One Liners come from various sources and the list is added to regularly, so visit often.   Feel free to use any of these on your church bulletin or sign. We hope they encourage and make you think.

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A dollar doesn't go as far these days, but it does go faster.

It is healthy to feel pain when hurt.  It is spiritually healthy to feel conviction if you've done wrong.  It is loving to feel the pain of others.

Attend church Sunday and beat the Christmas rush!

Know what you believe, then live what you believe.

Surely we have rights in the USA, but also responsibilities.

Unless we admit there is a problem, we will not be looking for a solution.

It takes unwavering faith to stand on the principles of God's Word.

A new year puts us that much closer until Jesus Returns!

Don't assume loud is strong and quietness is weak.

Jesus is our Great  High Priest who is loving, merciful, dependable, powerful, forever, understanding, interceding, righteous and our ever-present help in time of need!

Grass isn't greener on the other side. Grass is greener where it's watered.

A Goal with steps for achieving it is a plan!

Let's be thankful for the good things we have and for the bad things we don't have!

Salvation is a state of being thankful for receiving the forgiveness we did not deserve and for not receiving the judgement we did deserve!

What tomorrow will be depends on choices you make today.

Praising the Lord is the language of sinners set free!

If checked for 'patience', would you test positive?

The irredeemable are not those that can't be redeemed, but those that refuse redemption.

We sing HYMNS about Jesus, but do we know HIM?

It is given man once to die, but we should live everyday for Jesus.

Be like a tree - put down roots, stay grounded, stay green, bear good fruit, bend before breaking   and keep growing.

The power of God is his ability to change a man from a sinner to a saint.

Many say, "Enjoy life because it's short." But the Bible says, " Live for Jesus now, so you can enjoy a long eternity!"

Families can live without a nation, but a nation can not exist without families.

The family unit is the backbone of human society.

As goes the family, so goes the nation.

Sin promises to please, but it only enslaves and dominates.

One sin becomes two, when it is denied.

There are no easy answers, after a sin is committed.

Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay and cost you more than you want to pay.

When God puts a period on his word, don't change it to a question mark.

You can't fix a problem without first owning it.

When we walk with the Lord, we will be out of step with the world.

In Jesus name we pray, preach, teach and serve.

Listen to understand, not to find fault.

If truth can destroy it, perhaps it needs to be destroyed.

Never miss a chance to say a kind word.

Live so no one will believe any ill spoken remarks about you.

Learn to disagree without being disagreeable.

The stone was rolled away just to show Jesus was not there, because he had already risen from the   dead!

Feeding on God's truth will keep you from swallowing a lie.

We can trust our all-knowing God with our unknown future.

The world needs CPR   - Christ, Prayer and Repentance!

Sadly, when we are deceived, we don't realize it until it's usually too late.

Looking at the world will make you depressed, but looking in faith to Jesus Christ will give you peace.

Thoughts are seeds that once planted in the heart grow into flowers or weeds.

Alter your views to fit the facts, don't alter the facts to fit your views.

Run life's race with eternity in mind.

Never underestimate the power of a seed sown.

Do good and good will come to you.

A bad attitude is like a flat tire, you can't go very far until you fix it.

Attitude determines everything, so choose a good one.

If one won't obey the alarm that wakes them up for church, I doubt they'll hear the trump of God when Jesus returns.

Come to Jesus just as you are to be transformed into what you are supposed to be.

We can only change the world by changing men.

Man looks on the outward, but God looks at the heart.

The goal in life is to find your gift and the purpose in life is to use it productively for God.

To be fully vaccinated you'll need the Blood of Jesus!

If you were checked for 'ATTITUDE', would you be negative or positive?

If you bring up my dark past, you should remember that Jesus dropped the charges.

A sign of maturity is being able to disagree with someone while remaining respectful.

Jesus saves those who give him the steering wheel.

When you forgive you heal, when you let go, you grow.

When what you are doing to reach a goal is not working, don't change the goal, change the approach.

You can't just ignore the facts, because they are surely not going to ignore you.

Like riding a bicycle, you must stay moving forward to keep balanced.

A true friend will show up in bad weather.

TGIF: Thank God I'm Forgiven!

To walk in love is to be in union with God.

The gospel isn't gossip, it is the good news about Jesus that we can truthfully share

Just because you don't see someone crying doesn't mean that they have never cried.

We cannot know God's heart unless we have a heart for God.

Fools twist God's grace to live as they please: the wise trust God's grace and live as God pleases

God's grace is immeasurable: His mercy inexhaustible: His peace inexpressible.

The race of life is run by faith and won by grace!

A gossip is the devils postman.

Knowledge is gained through truth and error.

Prayer is the bridge between panic and peace.

Christians should speak the truth that is burning in their heart.

We may ask others for assistance now and then, but we shouldn't expect reliance forever.

The weak can never forgive, but forgiveness is the strength of the strong.

Having unanswered questions is better than not being able to question an answer.

Refuse to gratify the devil by not being discouraged.

Things can change in a blink of an eye, but God never blinks.

Don't expect life to make you happy, be happy and enjoy life.

Don't be afraid to start over because you're starting with experience, not from scratch.

Heaven has a strict immigration policy; hell has open borders.

Forget the mistake and focus on the lesson.

A Lie does not like being challenged, but the Truth does not mind being questioned.

Alleluia means Praise the Lord - Everyone!

Jesus is Lord, no matter what!

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed - Jesus in John 3:20 NIV

Food for thought: God made man; man did not make God.

Toothpaste Principal: when squeezed, what is inside comes out!

Sin in secret is always observed by God.

Some people make things happen, and some people just watch things happen.

As long as you sow God will give you seed!

Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up!

Judgement, Justice, Mercy and Liberty can walk together.

Attitude is a product of your belief.

It's not who you are, but whose you are that matters.

Humility is thinking of yourself less, not thinking you're less.

Honesty in little things is a big thing.

We can flow with the current regarding fashion, but for principles we must stand on the rock of   God's Word.

The Word of God is a 'Light Saber', because it is described as light and a sword!

Lose your temper and you may lose a friend, but if you lie you will lose yourself.

Sowing 'Seeds of Hope' can grow potential miracles.

Truth must be established by two or three reliable witnesses.

Be as patient with others, as God has been with you.

Social distancing calls for people to stay six feet apart, but always stay real close to God.

God likes math, the Bible even has a book called Numbers.

The Holy Spirit is the gift that keeps on giving!

God showed his love for us by sending Jesus and he confirms that love by showing us kindness   daily.

Jesus is Lord, no matter what!

Just because you are shut in, it doesn't mean you are shut off from God.

Light dispels the darkness, so speak the truth in love.

Only the Prince of Peace can bring everlasting peace.

Though the sword of justice is sharp, it will not slay the innocent.

Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life.

God's standard of justice leaves no room for prejudice.

People don't care what you know until they see how much you really care.

In Christ we are victors not victims.

Good comes not because of 'Special Privilege', but by the 'God given Privilege' of living in the USA, which is a 'Land of Opportunity' for all honest hard-working people.

If you think deceit will prosper you, you are deceived.

Feeding on God's truth will keep you from swallowing a lie.

People cannot change the truth, but truth can change people.

One thing you can give and keep is your word.

Hope is contagious, so spread it around.

Bloom where you are planted.

Criticism is one of the hardest things to take in life and one of the easiest things to give.

Sometimes the cure is worse than the error.

Fear is a bad counselor.

To take the fear out of living put your faith in Jesus, the living savior.

To live a godly life one must have the mind set on the Holy Spirit.

The life submitted to the Lord has the power to overcome.

The most important things in life are not things!

Maybe the Churches were empty on Sunday, but so was the Tomb!

Be sure you test positive for faith and isolate unbelief!

Our greatest strength is often in our ability to stand still and trust God.

It's not hearers who are blessed but the doers of God's word.

The positive about going thru the storm is for the joy and thankfulness that comes when it's   over.

A little discomfort today can lead to a better tomorrow.

The Bible is the Holy Spirit’s Road to freedom, and the flesh is carnal mind's road to bondage.

Nothing is impossible for God's wisdom and almighty power, and nothing is to small for his loving attention.

It is better to look ahead and prepare than look back and despair!

Faith is revelation: Confession is proclamation: Hope is expectation: Love is motivation.

In this present distress, stay close to the Lord and say, "God is my protection and I trust in him."

Choosing to walk the straight and narrow may limit your worldly choices but will liberate your spirit man!

Life may not make you happy, but being happy will make for a better life.

God loves you just as you are, but he will be requiring a few changes.

Faith is more powerful than the world and nothing is more powerful than God.

Returning good for evil is Christ like.

Worry just steals your joy and keeps you busy doing nothing.

Opinions will always be just opinions!

The most needed pill is the Gospel!

Be the reason someone smiles today!

Refuse to lower your standards for those who refuse to raise theirs.

If you want 2020 vision, get to know Jesus!

Don't say God doesn't speak, if you haven't opened your Bible.

Remember that when you point your finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointed back at you!

Jesus is the best gift ever!

The right kind of heart is a kind heart, like our Heavenly Father’s.

Truth is not what we want something to be, but what it actually is.

Don't fear tomorrow because God will be there.

Move away from negative thinking and you will improve your life.

We all want to rest in peace at death, but in Jesus we can rest in peace today.

Truth sounds like hate to those who hate truth.

Be a light, always do right!

Someone can know a hymn about Jesus, but what's important is knowing him.

Don't be to quick to judge until you hear both sides of a story.

Godly sorrow is hating the sin enough to turn from it!

Remember that if a fault is revealed, that's what God wants healed.

A curved smile is a good way to make things straight.

It's never right to do wrong and it's never wrong to do right. And the Bible tells us the difference.

Patience is the ability to wait with a good attitude.

Gun Control?? Tongue Control - Yes!!

Peace rules the day when Christ rules the heart!

You may live your life without Christ, but you better not die without him!

Remember the time of personal responsibility, your word was your bond and that a man reaped what   he sowed?

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day but teach him to fish and he can feed himself for a lifetime.

It is said   "life is short, so live it well", but also remember that one has an eternity beyond here, so be preparing for that as well!

We should stand for the flag and kneel at the cross.

Think on this: Some fish are for watching, some for cooking and some do the eating.

Father's need to   give attention to their children, and children need to pay attention to their fathers.

Be kind, because kindness is fruitful and far reaching.

Failure is not an event, just a judgment about an event.

I'm a nobody,   telling everybody about a somebody named Jesus, who can save anybody.

Take a lesson from a tree - stay grounded.

Work hard, be honest and kind.

Less sometimes gives you more.

God speaks to those who take time to listen, and God listens to those who take time to pray.

The tomb was opened not to let Jesus out, but to show he wasn't there!

Since every knee will bow to Jesus someday, it’s best to do it now!

In worshiping God, we are reminded of the truth, that the world wants us to forget.

A proverb a day lights the way.

Life is not always fair: but God is always faithful.

Faithfulness is God's requirement: fruitfulness is His reward.

Faith does not just hope Jesus will save; it knows he will!

Your future rewards depend on how you respond to today's opportunities.

God is love, light, holy and truthful, and to reject him is to choose death.

Keep the faith, but not to yourself.

Faith knows God is working behind the scenes.

If you rearrange the letters in the word 'depression', you get  'I pressed on', which is good advice.

A good Pastor is not looking for income but looking for a good outcome.

You can't take ground from the enemy if he has ground in you.

Living for God is a worthy investment.

Life in the vine produces fruitful lives.

Perseverance is the difference between failure and success.

'Go' is two-thirds   of God's name.

Jesus lets us know   he is approachable and understanding by saying "I am meek and lowly of   heart."

What the New Year brings us will depend a great deal on what we bring to the New Year.

Read your Bible to learn what people should do, but watch the news to see what they really do.

If the joyful giving spirit leaves with the dried up Christmas tree, then you have a serious leak!

'Good will toward men' is the spice in the Christmas season.

Perhaps the best Christmas decoration is being wreathed in smiles.

God shocked the world with a babe, not a bomb.

Jesus was God the Father's gift to mankind, but he must be received and confessed as the risen Lord.

Jesus was born on earth, so we can be born again.

Hell is getting out of date by today's thinking, but it's not out of business.

Prayer gives strength to the weak, faith to the fainthearted and courage to the fearful.

Satan hinders prayer, but prayer also hinders Satan.

Bending the knee in prayer helps us not to buckle under a load of cares.

A good sermon comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable.

Life is a puzzle, and Jesus is that missing piece!

Don't give up on prayer and hope.

The American attitude should be one of gratitude for our abundant blessings.

If you want to feel cheerier,   then try cheering someone else up.

I saw that! - God.

The struggles are real, but so is My God!

The donkey and elephant can't help, we need to turn back to the Lamb.

No is a Bible word and a complete sentence.

If you don't forgive and heal from your hurts, you'll bleed on the people around you.

Want peace? Think of all the beauty around you.

Christians should always be joyful about what God is doing and has done.

To make a judgement before hearing all the facts is very unwise.

Worry is today's mouse eating tomorrow's cheese.

It's not what happens that matters as much as how we take it.

Everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.

God may deny out requests, but he will never disappoint out trust.

Our greatest strength is often our ability to stand still and just trust God.

God has a solution planned before we even knew we had a problem.

One way to guard against getting so busy you start missing church is to get busy at church.

Focusing on Christ puts everything else in perspective.

Christians should   come out of the closet, everyone else is.

A worthy saying:   Christians live to know Jesus and make him known.

The giver is the greatest recipient.

Homeland Security: Heaven is my home and God is my security.

God's purpose for today's event may not be seen until tomorrow.

Life's purpose is   found in a person - Jesus Christ.

Maybe your problem is not your problem - it's your attitude.

Every church as problems, the question is how they handle them.

You can swallow your pride - it contains no calories.

Pride can cause you hide your sin or justify it.

Summer order: prayer to be well done not rare.

An opportunity of a lifetime must be seized within the lifetime of the opportunity.

We should walk in the light with God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ, but don't forget the   darkness from which we were delivered.

Love is only a word until there's someone before you to make it manifest.

A mind stretched by a new idea never returns to the original.

Worldly fun is different than good clean Christian fun.

God understands that hurting with hope still hurts.

God's work in us wasn't finished when we accepted Christ, it had just begun.

God not only forgives sin, but also breaks the bondage of sin.

A heart enlarged by caring has not yet killed anyone.

The dictionary even knows that faith comes before freedom.

Jesus said  "Father, not my will, but thine be done" and we should say that   too.

There must be a shortage of truth the way so many are stretching it these days.

Domestic harmony is   the music we need in homes today.

Jesus surely rose from the dead, but is he alive in your heart?

Being ungrateful leads to a darkened mind and heart.

Use self-control to delay instant gratification of the flesh now, which could be pleasant, for a much better thing later.

We should love God and do what he wants, not love God and do just what we want.

When you steal a base in baseball, you look forward to the base you’re running to, not back to the base you left.

Don't say you love a thing, only say you like it, because a thing can't love you back.

Your worth to God is not diminished by someone else's low opinion of you.

Fasting is pushing away the plate - to draw Jesus near.

Remember who you are and whose you are!

If you want to taste of life daily, then read your Bible!

Fools won't change their minds and dead men can't.

To give your life to Christ now is to keep it forever.

God speaks to those who take time to listen.

Good manners are like zero in math; not much value alone, but add value when added to   everything else.

Receive the love of God. Give the love God. Repeat.

God made you unique,  just like everyone else.

Exercise to have a conscience void of wrong, against man or God.

Christians are not saved by works but are saved for works of faith.

Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future, so today is your chance to live for Jesus.

Jesus put his feet on earth, so we could put our feet in heaven.

Jesus can't become your peace and joy, until he becomes your focus.

A life without Christ has a hopeless end, but life with Christ is a life with endless hope!

When we find Christ, we soon discover that we were the ones who were lost.

Better to be thought of as a fool for Christ, than to live like an unbelieving fool!

Daylight savings time ends, so turn back your clocks one hour, but don’t turn your back on Jesus, the light of the world!

Gods got me, I got God and we got this!

In the gospels the red letters tell what Jesus said, and the black letters tell what he did!

Be what you say you are, because if you ain’t what you says, then you are what you ain’t supposed   to be!

Change your attitude and you'll change your life.

The first thing we should put on each morning is a good attitude.

God still rules, his word still stands, and his plans are still being fulfilled.

God can bring   showers of blessing out of storms of adversity.

Adversity can be prosperity to a man with a great attitude.

A struggle is usually temporary, but quitting is permanent.

A good apology has three parts:1 Start by saying “I was wrong” 2 Say how sorry you are for the   hurt caused 3 Ask how can I make this right?

To receive from God you must believe God is, believe he is able and believe he will help you.

When you can admit you were wrong means you are wiser today than yesterday.

Three possible answers to prayer: yes, no or wait.

Lost time is never found again.

We celebrate Independence   Day but should always live in dependence on God.

First, God calls, then we seek and find God, then we learn and look at God, finally we look to   God.

Jesus paid the   price, but we get the change.

The proof of commitment is action, not just words.

The race is yours, but the glory is God's.

Wisdom comes from the journey, not the destination.

Knowledge speaks, and wisdom listens.

You did what you did, and you got what you got.

If you do what you   need to do now, then down the road, you will get to do what you want to to do   when you want to do it.

Just denouncing evil   is a far cry from doing good.

Strive to find out   what the truth is, not which side is right.

The report might be   that nothing can be done, but they just don't know my Jesus!

Faith does not deny   the circumstances - it just refuses to be ruled by them.

More is accomplished by lifting hands in prayer than by wringing them.

When we start kneeling, things start looking up.

Even through messes, God blesses.

Jesus is my rock and that's how I roll!

If one is mindful of an eternity, it is the cornerstone of his logic and reason.

Do not speak evil of the ruler of your people. -Acts 23:5

Silence may be golden, but it may also be yellow.

When you fail count   it a moment not a monument.

Those who never fail are those who never try.

Repentance not only accepts the wrong but returns to the right.

Prayer helps us see things as God sees them.

Reputation is built on what you have done not what you are going to do.

The man with an experience is never at the mercy of a man with only an opinion.

A Christians life should be a visual aid of how live for the Lord.

Don't be afraid of change. Be afraid of not changing!

You're only cooking up trouble when you stew about tomorrow.

The problem with a   little sin is that it doesn't stay little.

Have you received and opened God's Christmas gift of Jesus Christ?

Love powerfully, live purposefully and leave the rest up to God.

Let Go and Let God!

Jesus sees through us and he sees us through.

Habits are either the best servants or worst of masters.

Choice is a great gift but comes with the responsibility to choose wisely.

Choosing our president is a big deal, but choosing Jesus as Lord and spending eternity with Christ is a really big deal!

The question is not only 'where do we stand' but also 'where are we headed?'

Believe your beliefs, doubt your doubts.

Indifference to evil is a great evil.

Light dispels the darkness.

Being still and waiting on God is doing something.

Praying for the young should never become old.

Nothing costs as much as caring, except not caring.

Christian unity comes from unity with Jesus Christ.

What if all you possessed today is only what you gave thanks for yesterday?

The Lord can give us power immediately, but building character takes some time.

God puts work into our lives, and he expects us to put life into our work.

Not trying because of the fear of failing, holds one back from the joy of living!

Failure is not the final judgement, just a judgement about one event.

It is not a disgrace to fail, but it is a sin not to try your best.

It is nobler to try something and fail, than to try nothing and succeed.

Many quit before they even start.

The extended forecast is Jesus Reigning forever.

Mercy moves us and God's grace empowers us.

If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, wear work boots.

Worry is wasting today's time to clutter up tomorrow's opportunities with yesterday’s troubles.

At the heart of worship is worship from the heart.

Pay no attention to negative remarks about you, just live so nobody will believe them.

True repentance is sorrow for the deed, not for getting caught.

Roses come with thorns and relationships come with hurts.

Faithfulness is God's requirement: fruitfulness is his reward.

Treat others faults as graciously as you do your own.

There are no orphans in God's family.

You can't erase your sins with an eraser, only the blood of Jesus can do that.

The Lord never lets you out of his sight.

Part of self-control is mouth control.

Nothing is really lost when we sacrifice our life for Jesus.

Waiting on the Lord is doing something.

Live your Christian life so powerfully that when you wake each morning 

the devil will say, "Oh No! They're up!"

Jesus isn't my whole life, but he sure makes my life whole!

Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th time.

Pick your friends,  but not to pieces.

Give your all to  Christ, he gave his all for you.

When you aim at  nothing, you hit it.

God is so big He can  cover the world with his love and so small He can curl up inside your heart.

Life is a gift from God to be lived for God.

A 'Yes" from God is all you really need.

A key to failure is trying to please everyone but God.

Jesus is an excellent guidance counselor.

The worst prison is a closed heart.

We judge the actions we see, but only God can see and judge the heart.

God is the only know it all.

Be a fountain, not a drain.

If we put God's word in our hearts, the Holy Spirit can put the right words in our mouth.

Witness for Jesus with your life, as well as your lips.

Coming together is a beginning, keep together is progress, working together is success.

To walk with God, we must talk with God.

When we walk with God, we will be out of step with the world.

When you see life in view of eternity, your values change.

Your boundaries are your values.

In Christ we are a   victor not a victim.

The difference between apathy and ignorance is "I don't care, and I don't know!"

No one raises his reputation by lowering others.

Reputation is built on what you have done not what you are going to do.

Jesus was born so we could be 'born again'.

Life can be hard:   It's even harder if you don't have faith.

The 'Sun' and the 'Son of God' both give us light.

The Christian family   is like branches of a tree, growing in different directions, but having the   same root.

Keep looking to the 'Son', and your shadow will always be behind you.

No one plans to fail, but some fail because they fail to plan.

When we read the Bible, God speaks!

To be spiritually fit, feed on God's word and exercise your faith.

When we put our problems in God's hands, he then puts his peace in our hearts.

The best place for God's word is in our heart.

Grace: Getting what we don't deserve. Mercy: Not getting what we deserve.

It's not how high we jump for joy that counts, but how straight we walk after coming down.

We should be more concerned about being 'Biblically Correct' than being 'Politically Correct'.

I smile because you are my Christian brother and I laugh because there is nothing you can do   about it!

Decay starts when growth stops!

You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.

To guide your children in the right path, make sure you go that way to.

Jesus provides an oasis of grace in a desert of grief.

Say 'thank you' often and you will rarely have to say, 'forgive me'.

Down in the mouth  means it's time for a 'faith lift'.

Discipline weighs an ounce, but regret weighs a ton.

The goal of God's discipline is restoration, not condemnation.

Putting forth effort now can lead to a lifetime of blessing.

God tries our faith  so that we can try His faithfulness.

If you're concerned about global warming, then ask God who controls the thermostat.

God's answer to our prayer is sometimes a 'It's a Go', sometimes a 'NO', sometimes a 'Go Slow'  and sometimes 'Just Grow'.

It's high time for prayers to be offered up for God's help.

Good learners are good listeners.

Blessed are they   that listen for they shall learn.

Jesus gives us life to enjoy things, not just things to enjoy life.

God wants to be included in all your plans, consulted in all your decisions and honored in every area of your life.

Your Christian testimony may be someone's future.

Wisdom knows when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.

Wise people don't just admit wrongs but strive to avoid a repeat performance.

Never choose achievement over a good character.

Once you get Revelation of God's will, then speak a Declaration to see the Manifestation.

The Bible says there are 'Free Refills' of the Holy Spirit.

God tells us to burden him with what burdens us.

God formed us, sin deformed us, Christ transforms us.

Anything less than God's will, will let you down.

God chooses what we go through, we choose how to go through it.

Sometimes we get what the flesh wants, but we won't like what it produces.

If you are true to God, you won't be false with others.

If truth stands in your way, you are headed in the wrong direction.

Character is not something we have; our character is who we are.

We are in Revival when: The sleeping Christians wake up, the lukewarm fire up, the dishonest   confess up, the rebellious give up, the discouraged cheer up, the depressed look up, the oppressed are freed up, the estranged people make up, the gossipers shut up, the soldiers of Christ stand up, God’s Word is held up, the worshipers hands are lifted up, the prayers are going up, the righteous are speaking up and Jesus is radically loved!

While you have vision for a better future, don't forget to be thankful for today's many blessings.

In revival all true soldiers of Christ will stand up for truth!

Until you have a vision of tomorrow, you will always live in yesterday's struggles.

God knows the end   from the beginning, so we can trust him for everything in between.

Leaning on God is like learning to float.

Life is short, pray hard!

You can't give away kindness, it keeps coming back.

As long as there are tests, there WILL BE prayer in schools!

When temptation knocks, let Jesus answer to door.

Some Christians are CEO's, which means going to church on Christmas and Easter Only.

Never stretch the truth, it may snap back and hit you.

Feeding on God's Word will keep you from swallowing a lie!

One thing you can give and keep is your word.

There comes a time when silence is betrayal!

Nails could not have kept Jesus on the cross if his love for us had not held him there.

Jesus paid the price we could never pay to give us a life we did not deserve.

Jesus died to save us and he lives to keep us.

Christ paid a price he did not owe to satisfy our debt that we could not pay.

Hate is like a boomerang that misses the target and comes back and hits you in the head.

The rewards of witnessing about Jesus are well worth the risks.

Let Sunday be your strong day, so the rest of the days won't be your 'weak' days.

By knowledge you can make a living, but it's by wisdom that you make a life!

Let your light shine, because light will dispel darkness.

Before you score you must have a goal.

All Churches will experience trouble, but it's how they handle that trouble that concerns God   most.

The seeds of wrongdoing may be sown in secret, but the crop cannot be concealed.

Do the math: sin adds to your troubles, subtracts from your peace, multiplies your sorrows and   divides you from God.

Christ's cleansing power can remove the most stubborn stains of sin.

Believe in a God who works miracles and believe in his son Jesus to experience one.

Children are a living message we sent to a time we will not see.

We die if we live only for self; we live if we will die to self.

Life is like a coin that you can spend any way you want, but you can only spend it once.

Be a fountain, not a drain.

Consider the postage stamp - its value lies in sticking to one thing until it gets there.

The Church of Jesus Christ is an organization that hasn't changed its leadership for 2000 years!

The Kingdom of God will never have a power shortage.

Prayer should be our first response, not our last resort.

When we lose respect for God, others and ourselves, we sink to the lowest forms of depravity.

A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice.

You don't need to see the way if you follow Jesus who is the Way.

For a Christ like walk, keep in step with Jesus.

Politeness should never be interpreted as weakness.

In Christ we are a victor, not a victim.

Spiritual correction is not spiritual rejection.

Change is mandatory, stress is manageable, but misery is optional.

Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.

God feeds the birds, but he doesn't throw food into their nest.

Hospitality is evangelism's greatest tool.

In a changing world, we can count on God's unchanging word.

A life lived fully for God will leave a legacy.

Live the gospel, and others will listen.

Mankind has a sin problem, but the answer to the problem lies in God's wisdom, which is Jesus   Christ.

Jesus was born on earth, so we can be born again.

The Bible is to a thirsty soul, what water is in a barren land.

God is in small things, as well as great.

In troubled times, remember God's promises and give him praise.

To be saved by Jesus today, also means having a safe forever.

When you open your Bible, ask the Author to open your heart.

Outward beauty may fade, but a beautiful heart is eternal.

Jesus can turn your wounds into wisdom.

Pain is not evil unless it conquers us.

Citizenship by Birth   -  Christian by Choice.

Faith doesn't always   make it easy, but it does make it possible.

Sometimes God's answer comes as a promise from his word.

One way our love for God becomes evident is in hating what he hates.

Living in regret can become the greatest regret.

It is better to bite your tongue, than make a biting remark.

Love and worship the Creator, not just what he created.

We don't need more to be thankful for, we just need to be more thankful.

To recharge your spiritual battery, plug into the Source!

God's word needs no additions or subtractions.

Peace rules when Christ rules the heart.

A simple prayer is powerful if it is believed when spoken.

To most Christians it's not a choice of doing good or evil, but one of doing good or nothing at all.

Now is a good time to obey 1 Timothy 2:1-2, which says to pray for those in leadership, so we can live in peace!

We are all on a   journey and it pleases the Lord when we help each other along.

The joy of living comes from a heart of thanksgiving.

A heartfelt prayer by a righteous person, on their knees before God, will be heard.

We all don't play the same instrument in God's symphony, but we should all play in harmony.

The words 'Please and Thank You' should be used often, and a 'Praise the Lord!' wouldn't hurt   either.

I like what I'm   doing in Jesus much more than what I wasn't doing!

The Called call on Jesus’ name and Jesus keeps them!

God is good ALL THE TIME -- All the time, GOD IS GOOD!

Promote Christianity to produce people who are God fearing, thankful, responsible, kind, honest, hardworking, loyal, tax payers and respectful of authorities.

Jesus wants everyday people to pray for each other and glorify God.

People don't need a superstar preacher, just the Bible's truth that sets them free.

By inviting Jesus into your situation your disastrous can be turned into the miraculous.

We have nothing to fear if we stay close to the Rock of Ages.

When we reach out our hand to help each other, God is pleased and will reach out his hand to help us.

Life's biggest decision is what you do with Jesus.

The good news of Jesus is to good to keep to ourselves.

Learn of Jesus and learn the art of real life!

Either the Bible will keep you away from sin, or sin will keep you away from the Bible!

Get off of Facebook and into God's book.

Maybe if we'd be quiet, we'd hear God speak!

We all drip of something, let it be wisdom!

Don't let evil get the best of you, get the best of evil by doing good!

Your faith should be   lived out in every aspect of your life, not just by going to church!

Jesus first makes   you usable, before he uses you in the kingdom.

Put your faith in charge, not your fears!

Savor life and slow down.

Picasso used a canvas, but God uses a heart.

Faith sees what the   natural eyes can't.

Christians are not   trying to be better than everyone else, just , for Jesus’ sake, to be   personally better than they were yesterday.

Pray only on days that end with a 'y'.

Define your Christian life 'by what you believe', not 'by what you don't believe'.

Live your Christian life before men but live it for God.

Stop just counting the days and start to make each day count for Jesus.

The will of God will not take you where the grace of God cannot keep you.

Live so that when children think of a Christian, they think of you.

Failing is really success if you've learned something.

Don't ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, unless you are willing to move your feet.

All Christians are organ donors, because they gave their heart to Jesus!

Give all your troubles to God, he's awake all night anyway!

Heaven is real don't miss it for the world!

Too blessed to be depressed!

Brush up on your Bible to avoid truth decay.

To a dark world just 'a flicker' is the brightest light around.

Faith proclaims,   "There isn't a horse that can't be ridden!", but Wisdom cautions,   "And there's not a rider who can't be thrown!"

You earn a PHD, when your 'Prayer is Held Daily'.

Whoever is praying for snow, please stop!

If you're on the 'Road to Hell', when you come to 'Jesus Way' be sure to make the right turn!

Watch your tongue because it is wet and slips easily.

You give God the credit, so why not give him some cash.

Don't read the Bible like you might read a software license agreement, which is by scrolling to the end and clicking 'I agree'.

In your patience you possess your soul!

Thanksgiving waters your seeds of prayer.

Growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional!

Rejoicing in the Lord is like spiritual jogging!

To the Child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home every day.

A great leader in the Kingdom of God must be a great servant.

We must think to believe, and believers must think!

Jesus was born, so we can be 'born-again'.

Fear is focusing on the 'What If's".

Pray to be not only blessed but to be a blessing!

Believers take heart, the Bible says God's angels outnumber the Devil's demons by two to one, so more be for us than against us!

Praying is not the 'spare tire' we put on in time of trouble, but it is the 'steering wheel' that directs us on the right path of life's journey.

We should 'talk to God' in prayer and then 'walk with God' in our daily life.

God honors faith   because faith honors God!

Contentment is not getting what we want, but being satisfied with what we have.

When we honor God with our first fruits, God blesses the rest!

Great thinkers enjoy 'a good think'!

Don't forsake your kids for a substance, forsake the substance for your kids!

God is in control because he is always in the know.

The Entitlement Mindset says, "You must supply my needs, so I can supply my wants."

To give up is different than letting go.

To live by God's Word is not legalism, it is 'love' of life and truth.

Jesus paid our debt that we couldn't pay, but it was a debt that he didn't owe.

When going about your daily business be willing to be interrupted by a ministry opportunity.

Through faith in Christ, we receive God's pardon and escape sin's penalty.

Obedience is better than sacrifice.

A dead end is valuable if God teaches you a lesson while there.

Jesus never said that following him would be easy, but he did say it would be worth it!

What God reveals he wants to heal!

The greater the vindication of your call in Christ, the greater will be your struggle in fulfilling that call!

Christ sends us out to bring others in.

Be as patient with others as God has been with you.

We reap what we sow and according to how much we sow.

If you know God's will now, don’t put it off, because today will become yesterday tomorrow.

When you open your Bible, ask the Author to open your understanding.

Heaven to the Christian is spelled H-O-M-E.

Jesus, like his  father God, doesn't lie, but always tells us the truth.

Our needs never exhaust God's supply.

The best kind of friend is a praying friend.

Better to go through the storm with Jesus, than to have smooth sailing without him!

Hug your children today, so they'll learn to hug their children someday.

Parents need to 'give attention' to their children and children need to 'pay attention' to their parents.

Live as if Christ died yesterday and is coming back today!

God's Word is a compass to keep us on course.

God's warnings are to protect us not punish us!

God's assignments come with His enabling.

It is better to bite your tongue than say a biting remark!

Creation's design points to the Creator!

To call Jesus Lord is to do what he wants, when he wants and where he wants!

God's love does not keep us from trials but sees us through them.

We are like sponges that absorb things, and when we are squeezed what is in us comes out!

A Mother is a multitask-er with only one task in mind, to love those God has given her!

A Mother's hug is the greatest motivator in the world!

Give till it hurts doesn't mean much if you have a low tolerance to pain!

A beautiful rainbow only appears after a rain.

Your joy can cause you to smile, and your smile can bring joy to another.

Dead things can only flow with the current, but it's only the living that can go against it.

Religious freedom is supposed to mean freedom to discuss religion, but the present marketplace reality is to not mention it at all.

The reward of your faith is to see what you believed for.

Prayers are like a connect the dots picture, with each prayer bringing you closer to seeing a manifestation of your prayer focus.

Faith is like taking the first step without seeing the whole staircase.

You often face your greatest opposition just before your miracle.

The church always seems behind the times, only because it will ignore the present passing fad   and hold to God's unchanging Bible truths.

Wholeness involves recognizing our failures, as well has counting our successes.

Jesus died between two thieves, with one dying in his sin, one dying to his sin and Jesus dying for their sin.

Many are serving in the Lord's army as secret service agents.

If the Lord leaves you as you are and where you are, then from what did he save you?

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Admit it -quit it- and forget it!

The Holy Spirit is the gift that keeps on giving!

There is much rewarding work to do in the Kingdom of God, but most of it isn't fun!

If it's not true, not good, and of no benefit, why tell me?

Faith sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Sin will take you farther than you want to go, will keep you longer then you want to stay and will cost you more then you want to pay.

"Is the right question, "Where is the God of Elijah today?" or "Where are the Elijah's today?"

The more things change, the more we need to depend on God, who doesn't change.

It is the riches 'within', not the riches 'we possess', that makes for a happy life.

'Stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'.

Faith is not believing that God can, but that God will!

Don't be upset if someone challenges you, because that means they are listening.

Building for the long term means you will face criticisms during the short term.

We can't control what people say, but we can control how we respond.

Remember the world needs Jesus, even if some don't want him.

Don't worry about tomorrow, you did that yesterday!

Give the Devil an 'inch' and he'll soon be the 'ruler'.

Tithe if you love Jesus, anyone can honk.

God answers Knee Mail.

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

Everyone wants to harvest, but few want to plow.

I'm too blessed to be depressed.

The Bible is user friendly, and there's tech support at church every Sunday.

Don't let Bitterness Acidize your soul.

The wind of the Spirit is always blowing, but we have to put up the sail.

It's not how many days we live that counts, but rather, how we lived those days.

To know Jesus is to know peace!

QUOTES FROM A FEW OF OUR COUNTRIES FOUNDERS, PRESIDENTS AND OTHERS. 

Human history is the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God to make them happy. - CS Lewis

Life with God is not immunity from difficulties, but peace in difficulties. - CS Lewis 

A lie can get halfway around the world before the truth has gotten it's pants on. - Winston Churchill

My home is heaven. I'm just passing through. - Billy Graham

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. -CS Lewis

Darkness  cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive  out hate: only love can do that. - Martin Luther King Jr

Wise men speak when they have something to say, fools because they have to say something. -Plato

We must all learn to hear what we do not like.  The question is not, 'Is it pleasant?' but 'Is it True?' - Charles Spurgeon

None is more hated than he who speaks the truth. - Plato

Tolerance is a virtue of man without convictions. - CK Chesterton

One of the most cowardly things ordinary people do is to shut their eyes to facts. - CS Lewis

Train a child up in the way he should go, but be sure to go that way yourself. - Charles Spurgeon 

However much you deny the truth, the truth goes on existing.— George Orwell

Experience is the hardest kind of teacher for it gives the test first and then the lesson. -Oscar Wilde

It's easier to fool people than convince them they have been fooled. - Mark Twain

God is love.  This explains everything and gives meaning to life. - Albert Einstein

Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to just make man a more clever devil. -CS Lewis 

I  believe in Christianity, as I believe that the sun has risen: not only  because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. -CS Lewis

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. - CS Lewis

Beware of false knowledge - it's more dangerous than ignorance. - George Bernard Shaw

People all over the nation are starved for honesty and common sense.-Benjamin Carson 

What this country needs is dirtier fingernails, and cleaner minds. - Will Rogers

The  liberties of a people never were, nor ever will be, secure, when the  transactions of their rulers may be concealed from them.  - Patrick  Henry 

A man who is good enough to shed his blood for the country  is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards. - Theodore  Roosevelt

Patriotism, a sense of duty, and a feeling of obligation  are the noblest and the most necessary qualities of any democratic  system. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

In the end it's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years.-Abraham Lincoln

Religion and good morals are the only solid foundations of public liberty and happiness. - Samuel Adams

One cool judgement is worth a thousand hasty councils.  The things to do is to supply light not heat. - Woodrow Wilson

Justice is incidental to law and order. - J. Edgar Hoover

To argue with a person who has denounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead. -Thomas Paine

Gravity explains the motion of the planets, but it cannot explain who set the planets in motion.- Issac Newton

If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. - Thomas Paine

If we lose freedom here, there is no place to escape to.  This is the last stand on earth." - Ronald Reagan 

A nation who forgets its past has no future! - Winston Churchill

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

In response to "What have you given us?" Franklin answered, "A Republic, Madam, if you can keep it!" -  Benjamin Franklin

Freedom  of speech is a principal pillar of a free government; when this support  in taken away, the constitution of free society is dissolved, and  tyranny is erected in the ruin.  -  Benjamin Franklin

Darkness  cannot drive out darkness, only light an do that.  Hate cannot drive out  hate, only love can do that. - Martin Luther King Jr.

Socialism  is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, the gospel of envy,  and it's inherent virtue is the sharing of equal misery. -Winston  Churchhill

We the people are the rightful masters of both congress  and the courts, not to overthrow the constitution, but to overthrow the  men who pervert the constitution. - Abe Lincoln in 1859.

If  wrinkles must be written upon our brow, let them not be written upon our  heart. The spirit should not grow old. - James A. Garfield

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.  ― Benjamin Franklin

It is better to be faithful than famous - President Theodore Roosevelt 

A  lie doesn't become the truth, wrong doesn't become right, evil doesn't  become good, just because it is accepted by the majority. - Booker T  Washington

If we ever forget we are a nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under. - Ronald Reagan, 40th US President

"Nothing  in the world can take the place of persistence.  Talent will  not;...Genius will not;...Education will not;...Persistence and  determination alone are omnipotent." - Calvin Coolidge, US President

"It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it."- Upton Sinclair.

"The further a society drifts from truth, the more it will hate those who speak it." - George Orwell

“Freedom  and fear, justice and cruelty, have always been at war, and we know  that God is not neutral between them.” George H.W. Bush - 41st President

Everywhere freedom stirs, let tyrants fear.  George W Bush - 43rd President

No people can be bound to acknowledge and adore the invisible hand  which conducts the affairs of men more than those of the United States. -  George Washington, 1st President

Hold fast to the Bible as the sheet anchor of your liberties. -Ulysses S. Grant, 18th President

If  you take out of your statues, your constitution, your family life all  that is taken from the Sacred Book, what would there be to bind us  together? -Benjamin Harrison, 23rd President

The Bible can touch our hearts, order our minds and refresh our souls. - Ronald Reagan, 40th President

Be sure to put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. - Abraham Lincoln 

In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader. - John Quincy Adams

We recognize no sovereign but God and no king but Jesus. - John Adams & John Hancock. 

As long as we have God, we are never, ever alone. - Donald Trump

Whatever makes men good Christians makes them good citizens. - Daniel Webster

There has never been a person in history that led a life of ease whose name is worth remembering. -  Theodore Roosevelt

It is better to be faithful than famous. - Theodore Roosevelt

Men are qualified for civil liberty in exact proportion to their  disposition to put moral chains upon their own appetites.- Edmund Burke  in 1791

When people cease believing in God, it’s not that they  start to believe in nothing. It’s that they’ll believe in anything. -  Émile Cammaerts 

God gives us capacity for choice.  We can choose  to alleviate suffering.  We can choose to work together for peace.  We  can make changes and we must! - Jimmy Carter

I believe if a man is  willing to surrender his will to God, he can do anything within the  circle of God's will for him. - John W. Raley

In reading the lives of great men, I found that the first victory they won was over themselves.- Harry Truman

Truth is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.-Thomas Jefferson

One with God is a majority. - Billy Graham

The Bible is a book of faith and a book of doctrine, and a book of  morals, and a book of religion, of special revelation from God. - Daniel  Webster

The man who has no vision will undertake no great enterprise.- Woodrow Wilson

I have found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice. - Abraham Lincoln

When I do good, I feel good;  when I do bad, I feel bad; that is my religion. - Abraham Lincoln

We can complain that roses have thorns or we can rejoice because thorn bushes have roses. - Abraham Lincoln

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. - Abraham Lincoln

Don't worry when you are not recognized, but strive to be worthy of recognition. - Abraham Lincoln

I don't like that man. I need to get to know him better. - Abraham Lincoln

It's surprising how much you can accomplish when you do not care who gets the credit.- Abraham Lincoln

Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Abraham Lincoln

Be sure to put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. - Abraham Lincoln

The leading rule for a man of every calling is diligence; never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. - Abraham Lincoln

It  is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can  even fool some the people all of the time;  but you can't fool all of  the people all of the time. - Abraham Lincoln 

All the good from  the Savior of the world is communicated through this book, but for the  book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable to man  are contained in it. - Abraham Lincoln

Intoxicated with unbroken success we have become too self-sufficient…too  proud to pray to the God that made us. -  Abraham Lincoln

I believe the Bible is the best gift God has given to man. - Abraham Lincoln

My concern is not whether God is on our side: My greatest concern is to  be on God’s side, for God is always right. -  Abraham Lincoln

Criticism is easy: achievement is more difficult. - Winston Churchill. 

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. - Benjamin Franklin

Truth is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. - Thomas Jefferson.

I'm a great believer in luck,  and I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it. - Thomas Jefferson 

He  who shall introduce into public affairs the principles of primitive  Christianity will revolutionize the world. - Benjamin Franklin

If  you set out to be liked, you would prepare to compromise on anything at  any time, and you would achieve nothing. Margret Thatcher

I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born. Ronald Reagan

Within the covers of the Bible are the answers for all the problems men face.  Ronald Reagan 

We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.  Ronald Reagan 

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country. John Kennedy

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men.  John F. Kennedy

A  nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood  in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people. John F. Kennedy  

Labor to keep alive in your heart that little spark of celestial fire-Conscience. - George Washington

It  is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible. Do  not ever let anyone claim to be a true American patriot if they ever  attempt to separate Religion from politics. George Washington

Reason  and experience both forbid us to expect that national morality can  prevail in exclusion of religious principle. - George Washington

It is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God.  George Washington

Truth is the first chapter in the book of freedom - Thomas Jefferson

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just and that his justice cannot sleep forever.  Thomas Jefferson 

Our constitution was made only for a moral and religious people.    John Adams

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.  John Kennedy

The slogan 'Press On,' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.  - Calvin Coolidge.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. -   Theodore Roosevelt

If  one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the  headlines would read: President Can't Swim! - Lyndon Johnson

When they call roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer 'present' or 'not guilty'. -  Teddy Roosevelt

Islam  is a religion in which Allah demands you send your son to die for him;  Christianity is the faith in which God sent his SON to die for you. -  John Ashcroft, US Attorney General

In reading the lives of great men, I found that the first victory they won was over themselves - Harry Truman

Remember that a government big enough to give you everything you  want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have. -  Gerald Ford 

For millions of men and women, the church has been  the hospital for the soul, the school for the mind, and the safe  depository of moral ideas. - Gerald Ford.

Clean Joke of the Day 

Laughter Is Good Medicine

Proverbs 17:22 declares "A merry heart does good like a medicine...". So, laugh a little. It does a body good.

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A Proposal?

An elderly man in a nursing home didn’t want to get out of bed for breakfast.  The nurse’s aide kept shaking him and telling him to please get up for breakfast.  Finally, the man turned over and starring at the nurse says, “Say you are really pretty, have I asked you to marry me?”  The aid blushed and smiled saying, “No, no you haven’t.”  The man quickly replied, “Good! I sure don’t want to put up with this every morning!”

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  Perspective

A pilot was explaining that when he was on earth, he wanted to be flying up there, but when flying in a bad storm he wanted to be back on earth. The Chaplain replied, "Not in my profession!"

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22nd Psalm

At the Sunday service a lady announced that she would be singing the 22nd Psalm, which she did beautifully. A woman in the congregation said she really enjoyed the song and then asked her 9-year-old son what he thought. He replied, "Well, it sure was longer than 20 seconds!"

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When is Jesus Coming?

The boy asked the Pastor, “When will Jesus come back?" The Pastor replied, "We don't know the exact day or hour, because we are not on God the Father's Planning committee, we are just on the Welcoming committee!"

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T-Shirt Sayings:

1 Cross + 3 Nails = 4-Given

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes, so she hugged me!

Baby: I did 9 months on the inside, now my parents are serving for life.

Short Girls: God makes things grow until they are perfect, some of us don't take as long.

Husbands and Wives may not always see eye to eye but should always be attached heart to heart.

I never dreamed I'd be one of those Born-Again, Bible Believing, Spirit Filled, Jesus loving Christians, but here I am killing it!

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Eating Pork

A rabbi in a small town wondered what pork tasted like, since so many ate it, so he went to another town to try it just once. At the restaurant he just ordered the first thing on the menu, which was family style roasted pig.

As he sat at the table the waiter brought out an entire roast pig with an apple in its mouth and put it in front of him. Also, at the same time a member of his board walked in and looking at him looked shocked. The rabbi knew he had been caught, but quickly responded to the man, "Isn't this place great, look how they served the cooked apple I ordered!"

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THE KISS

A Pastor was asked to marry an aging couple who both were very weak. So, he performed the marriage by kneeling on the front seat of the car while facing the couple sitting in the back seat.

After he performed the marriage vowels and pronounced them as husband and wife, the Pastor said, "Now it is time to kiss the bride." The old man lifted his head and said, "OK, go ahead!"

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LEFTOVERS

At supper time Mom set out the leftovers from the previous night’s meal. Dad prayed for the meal but noticed that one son did not pray. So, he asked him, "Son, why didn't you pray for the food?" The son replied, "I didn't think we had to because we thanked God for that food last night!"

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"PREACHING TO A CAT

A mother was walking by her eight-year-old son's room when she spied him preaching from the Bible to their cat. She smiled and went on her way until shortly she heard a screeching coming from the porch. She hurried there to see her son trying to dunk the cat in a bucket of water. 

"Son what are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "I'm baptizing the cat!" "No" the mother exclaimed, "cats don't like water!" "Well, then he shouldn't have joined my church!" said her son.

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YOU"RE HEALED!

An old doctor advertised he could heal anything for $500 and if he couldn't he'd pay them $1000. A man thought the guy was a quack, so he went to get the $1000. He arrived and said he couldn't taste anything. The doctor told his nurse to get the bottle marked 22 and give the man 3 drops on his tongue. The nurse did as told and the man yelled, “those drops taste like gasoline!” The doctor replied, "Your taste is healed, that will be $500 please!"

Not to be outdone, the man came back a week later and said he couldn't remember anything. The doctor told the nurse to get bottle number 22 and give the man 3 drops on his tongue. The man protested saying "No way, that stuff tastes like gasoline!" The doctor proclaimed, "Your memory is healed, $500 please." 

Again, the man having now lost $1000, thought he'd try to break even, so he went the doctor one more time saying the now he couldn't see. The doctor said he was so sorry, here's your $1000 dollars back. The man took the money and said "Hey, this is only $500, and you said $1000." The doctor said again, "Your sight is healed, now give me my $500 plus $500." 

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Kids View

One child told me what he'd learned at church that Sunday. He said, "The Father does art in heaven and his name is Harold."

When asked why we should be quiet in church the child answered, "Because people are sleeping!"

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Materialistic Man

A rich lawyer parked his new car along the curb and opened the car door only to have a truck pass by and tear off the door. He jumped out screaming, 'Oh no! My new car!" A shocked onlooker shouted, "Sir, your arm is missing!" The man looked at where his arm used to be and cried "Oh no! My Rolex watch!" 

******

The Lost Spoon

A visiting minister came to dinner after the service at the Pastor's home. The Pastor's wife got out her special silver wear for the occasion, but after everyone left, she couldn't find one spoon, which made her wonder about the minister. A year later he came to speak again at the church and was invited over for dinner afterwards. She shyly asked him if he knew anything about her silver spoon. He said 'Yes, I found it on the floor and put it in your bible."

********

High Gas Prices

I ran out of gas, so I called my insurance company for roadside assistance and they totaled my truck!!

You might have CAROWNERVIRUS if you sweat while filling your car's gas tank and feel sick when paying.

Gas prices are so high the postman just stayed home and called to read me my mail.

The CDC is now recommending you wear a mask over your eyes when pumping gas to prevent heart attack.

I checked Kelly Blue book for the value of my car, and they asked if the gas tank was full or empty.

*****

CONVERTING

A nun was driving some health items to an ailing couple when she ran out of gas about a block from a gas station. She didn't have a gas can, so she took a bedpan and walked to the gas station. After filling the bedpan with gas, she carried it back to car and began pouring the gas into the gas tank. About that time a couple of Baptist Pastors happen to see her carrying the bedpan and watched her pour the contents into the car’s gas tank. The one Pastor then said to the other, "If that car starts, I'm converting to Catholicism." 

******

CONFUSED

A man was headed toward the restrooms at a Western Steak House when he was addressed by a distraught young lady. She said "Could you please help me? I don't know which door to enter, am I a steer or a heifer?"

*********************

Hunting for food

I watched a program about an Amazon tribe that hunted for their food in the jungle. It made me glad I don't have to hunt for my food, since I don't even know where sandwiches live.

**********

Gossip

A gossip is the devils postman.

Gossip is hearing something you like about something you don't.

A gossip is just a fool with a keen sense of rumor.

Gossip is something that goes in one ear and out the mouth.

Blessed are the hard of hearing for they miss much gossip.

Gossip is one thing that travels faster than email.

Some claim they never repeat gossip, so listen hard the first time.

The gospel isn't gossip, it is the good news about Jesus that we can truthfully share.

*********

The Priests Collar

The Priest was instructing the young children and asked them, "Do you know why I wear this collar around my neck?"

One young man quickly replied, "Because it protects you from ticks and fleas for 30 days!"

**********

I'D FIGHT FOR YOU!

I'm your friend and I'd fight off a bear to save you! Well, maybe not a Kodiak Bear or a Black Bear, but maybe a Care Bear. Yeah, I'd fight that bad boy for you!

***********

Hornless Cow

A city lady took a tour that stopped at a farm. She asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow have any horns?" "Well," said the farmer "Some cows just naturally do not have any horns, and others we painlessly remove for safety reasons. But this animal does not have horns because it is a horse!"

************

Wedding Concern

The Grandmother was pleased to attend her Grandson's wedding. At the Church the Usher asked, "Whose side are you on?" The Grandmother replied, "Oh NO! Are they fighting already?!"

****************

Two Quite Meals

A good while ago my wife and I heard a radio minister exhorting that having a nice, quiet meal twice a week would help the marriage relationship. We thought that it sounded good, so I go out on Tuesday and the wife goes out on Thursday!

***************

Fishing?

Two boys were walking home from Sunday Church where they had discussed Noah and the Ark in class. One boy asked the other "Do you think Noah fished a lot on the Ark?" "No way!" declared the other boy "he only had two worms!"

**********

Died in the Service

A church had a plaque on the wall that listed the names of members who had died in the military. One Sunday a young boy was looking at the plaque and asked the Pastor, who standing next to him, what the names meant. The Pastor told the boy that they were the names of those who had lost their life in the service. Without hesitating the boy asked, "Was that in the early or late service?"

**************

Not taking a chance!

A mother and her daughters were on a trip to Isreal, when she unexpectedly died. The daughters weren't sure what to do, so one called her husband at home. She told him it would only be $500 to bury her outside Jerusalem, but $5000 to send her back to the States. The son-in-law said, "Send her home". 

The daughter asked "Why? It cost so much." He said "Listen, 2000 years ago they buried a guy there and three days later he rose from the dead and I just don't want to take any chances!"

***********

Hesitating

I like to think that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it 'brella', but he hesitated . Um?

****************

SLEEPING DOG

A man went to enter the store and saw a sign saying 'Beware of Dog' on the door. He entered carefully and saw a big old dog sleeping in front of the register.

"Is that the dog?" he asked. "Yes" replied the owner. "Well, he doesn't look very mean to me." he said. "No, he's not." said the storekeeper. "Then why the Beware of Dog sign?" he asked. "Because before I put up the sign people kept tripping over him!"

************

WHY DIDN'T YOU COME BACK?

A man told the Doctor that he couldn't sleep at night because he thought there was someone living under his bed. The Doctor told him to come back three times a week for three months, at $300 a visit, and he could cure him. The man said that was quite costly, so he'd have to think about it.

A few months later the Doctor meets the man on the street and asks why he hadn't returned for treatment. The man replied "I'm better. I asked for prayer at church and the Pastor gave me a Word of Wisdom." 

What was that? asked the doctor. The Pastor said, "Just cut the legs off your bed!"

**************

SHE'S THERE

The grave site service had just ended and suddenly there was loud thunder, then a bolt of lightning that was followed by an even louder clash of thunder. Then an elderly man turned to the Pastor and proclaimed, "Well, she just arrived!!"

****************

QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES

Q. How do you make Holy Water? A. Get regular water and boil the devil out of it.

Q. Who was the shortest person in the Bible? A. Bildad the Shuhite ("shoe-height").

Q. How long did Cain hate his brother? A. As long as he was Abel.

Q. Why did God create man before woman? A. Because He didn't want any advice on how to do it.

Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark? A. Because they were using "fowl" language.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A. He was Ruthless.

Q. Who was the greatest investor in the Bible and why? A. Noah: He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the best comedian in the Bible and why? A. Samson: He brought the house down.

Q. How does Moses make his coffee? A. Hebrews it.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

**********

A LONG-WINDED PREACHER

Billy Graham once told this story about a long-winded preacher. He said it was at a conference with several speakers scheduled to speak for about 15 minutes each. 

Well, the first speaker spoke within his time limit, but the second speaker just kept on talking. He spoke for five minutes over, then 10, then it reached 20 minutes over and it looked like he just wasn't going to quit. So, the chairman, who was seated behind the speaker, took the gavel and threw it at the man to get his attention. However, he missed, and the gavel hit a lady sitting on the front row right on the head. An usher saw what happened and quickly ran to her aid and asked if she was OK. She replied "NO! Hit me again I can still hear him!" 

************

SOFT SPOKEN PRAYER:

At a bible study the leader asked a elderly man to say a prayer for the meeting. He bowed his head and softly prayed for God's blessing on the meeting. Another man spoke up roughly saying he couldn't hear him. To this the praying man replied, "I wasn't talking to you!"

*********

COUNTING COWS

My son and I were driving in the country one day and we passed a pasture with a herd of cows. I told my son "There are 27 cows in that field." 

"How can you tell?" he asked. I said, "Easy! I just counted the legs and divided them by four!"

*****

THE TRAIN

The other day as we were driving, we came to a railroad crossing and had to stop. I told the family that a train had just gone by there. 

"How could you tell?" they asked. "It left tracks !" I proclaimed.

*********************

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF FAMILY DINNING

BY DAD OSBORN November 24, 2005

Note, with five children, plus friends, rules for dining had to be established. In days of old, they were only transmitted verbally, but now are being written for posterity or a good laugh. 

1. Once seated for dinner, no one will leave the table unless one of the following occurs: A. You finish all your food and are dismissed by Mom or Dad. B. You have a call from school, coach, church or employment. C. You have a call of nature. D. Dad feels it would be educational for us all to eat while watching the Bulls Game on TV. 

2. No complaining about the food! Our family meals always come with at least two choices – ‘take it or leave it’. Plus, we add the old guilt standby of ‘someone is starving in the world’. 

3. Take all you want but eat all you take. Since this rule is strictly enforced, it is better to take small portions of Mom’s experimental health food dishes or unknown substances. A mistake here could mean a long and unpleasant dining experience. Also, NO saving food for purgatory or the dog. 

4. Touching food on another’s plate is ‘At your own Risk’. Any resulting Emergency Room bills will come out of your allowance! 

5. ‘Pass the Rolls’ does not imply a ‘Football Pass Play’. Beaning your brother or sister on the head with any food item will result in an automatic 3-day ‘intentional grounding penalty’. 

6. No food is to be placed in your nose or ears. We do not want to be known as a family with an eating disorder. 

7. Forks, spoons and knives will be used, no fingers allowed! The exception is for finger foods. Which food that quality as finger food is open for short discussion, until Dad gives the final word. Also, fingers can be used in the extreme case of cooked meat reaching the texture of ‘shoe leather’. 

8. The ‘Table Conversation Rule’ is that only, and I repeat only, 3 people can speak at once! And try to keep your foot out of your mouth! All can laugh. 

9. Always compliment the cook! Even if you possibly find some tin foil or the pre-heat to 350 degrees label in your food. Note: A loud ‘belch’ is not considered a compliment! 

10. Always offer God a ‘Prayer of Thanksgiving’ for Jesus, family, friends and provision. 

******************

European!

It was a hot day at school, so the teacher pasted out a cup of ice at recess. When the bell rang, little Johnny didn't want to waste the ice he had left, so he put it in his pocket. 

The first class was social studies, so the teacher asks one student what they would call a man from Africa. He replied, "an African." "How about a man from America?" asked the teacher. Another student said, "an American." 

So, she asked little Johnny what they would call a man from Europe. Little Johnny was silent, so the little girl behind him yelled out "European!" To that Johnny shot back, "No I'm not, that's just ice melt'n in my pocket!"

*************

10 House Rules (And I'm Not Joking!!!) 

1. If you open it, close it 

2. If you eat from it, wash it. 

3. If you drop it, pick it up. 

4. If you sleep in it, make it. 

5. If it rings, answer it. 

6. If it cries, hug it. 

7. If it’s good, do it. 

8. If it’s rude, stop it. 

9. If you believe it, live it. 

10. If it’s evil, run from it. 

**************

ONE GREAT SHAVE

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small southern town decided he had been doing that long enough. He told his wife that from then on, he’d let the local barber shave him each day. The man went to the barbershop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist church. The barber’s wife, whose name was Grace, shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water. “That will be twenty dollars,” she said. The man thought the price was a bit high and wondered how he’d continue to foot such a bill, but he paid for the service and went off to work. The next morning, the man looked in the mirror and saw that his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. He couldn’t understand it, so he returned to the barber shop. “I thought twenty dollars was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks, and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.” The woman’s face showed no surprise. “Well, of course,” she said. “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.” 

***************

EVERY TEN YEARS

Every ten years monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence and speak two words.

Ten years passes and it's one monk’s chance to speak. He thinks hard and finally says "Bed Hard."

Ten more years pass and again the monk get to speak two words. He says, "Food Bad."

Another decade passes and the monk says, "I Quit." To which the lead monks reply, "That doesn't surprise me at all, because you've been complaining ever since you got here!"

*********

COMPUTER JOKES

Alexa Jokes: 

1. What did the dog say after a long day at work? It was ruff.

2. Excuse me, Waiter: but this coffee tastes like mud. Yes, sir, It's fresh ground. 

Cortana Jokes:

1. Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double-crosser.

2. Knock, knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Say, I didn't know you could yodel.

*********

RIDDLE Question: It may only be given, not taken or bought: what the sinner desires but the saintly do not. What is it?

Answer is backwards: ssenevigrof

********

THE SIDE ACHE

A young boy, the next day after hearing in Sunday School how God took a rib from Adam's side and made his wife Eve, was running around the track at school and got a side ache. When the teacher saw him bent over, he went and asked what was wrong. The boy replied, "I think I'm having a wife!"

********

THE ROWBOAT

"A deeply faithful Christian man is stuck on roof at home with massive flooding up to the 2nd floor. Rowboat comes. He says "No, I'm waiting for God. I prayed and I know he's coming." 2nd Rowboat. "No, I'm waiting for God." 3rd Rowboat. "No, I'm waiting for God." 

Water rises. The man drowns. Now he's meeting God in heaven. The religious man says, "Where were you God? I prayed. I was faithful. I asked you to save me. Why would you abandon me?" God says, "Hey, I sent you 3 rowboats." 

*****

SPELLING

So, what if I can't spell Armageddon? It's not end of the world. -Stewart Francis

********

EXERCISES

My doctor looked at my belly and refused to believe that I worked out. So, I listed the exercises I do daily: lift paper weights, jump to conclusions, climb the wall, drag my feet, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge and beat around the bush.

Those 10 pushups I did last month did no good, I'm still weak!

I started my radical exercise program yesterday and so far, I've only missed one day!

********** 

BE CAREFUL HOW YOU HEAR

The Pastor noticed a man in his congregation noticeably gaining weight and asked him about it. The man proudly responded "Yes, I am. That sermon you preached about those who weight (wait) on the Lord shall renew their strength, really hit home!" >/p>

**************************

CLEVER T SHIRT SAYINGS

Dude be Nice!

I don't want to, I don't have to, I won't - I'm Retired!

Born in the USA - A long, long time ago!

Work for God, the retirement is out of this world!

Jesus is my Rock and that's how I roll!

You are what you eat, so I'm a pizza!

I'm so far in debt I'm thinking of starting my own country!

I'm not fat, I'm value sized!

I'm not fussy, I just want a hamburger that looks like the one in the commercial.

Respect your Elders, they graduated school without the internet!

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag!

COMMON SENSE, so rare it's kind of like a superpower!

VEGETARIAN: Ancient Tribal name for the village idiot who can't hunt fish or light fires!

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat!

You know that little voice inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn't? I think I need one!

I changed my car horn to sound like gunfire, people get out of my way faster now!

Dear Algebra, please stop making me find your X. She's never coming back and don't ask Y!

Make no doubt about it - Jesus is Lord!

To say the least, I'm into Jesus!

If you want breakfast in bed, then sleep in the kitchen!

There's good pain and bad pain. Yeah Right!!

Men to the left, because Women are always right.

Don't let your mind wander, it's to little to be out alone.

I give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 25% on Wednesday, 32% on Thursday and 8% on Friday.

My policy is to blame the computer.

I kid proofed my home, but they still get in!

Are you Kitten me right Meow?

I'm so busy I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse.

Exercise??? I thought you said EXTRA FRIES!

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

I could be a morning person, if morning happened at noon.

I consider on time to be when I get there.

OOPS! Did I roll my eyes out loud!

People said follow your dream, so I went back to bed!

Don't make me put my hands on my hips!

Wait! I don't snore, I dream I'm a motorcycle!

Remember, if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you!

It is what it is.

Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.

You and I are friends, so remember if you fall, I'll always be there to help you up, as soon as I stop laughing!

We'll be friends till we're old and senile, then we'll be new friends.

I would be unstoppable, if only I could get started!

I'd love to have a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.

A little gray hair is a small price to pay for all this wisdom!

Brains are awesome, I wish everyone had one.

The only thing you need to fear is fear itself, and spiders!

I may be wrong, but I doubt it!

Note to Self: Just because it pops into my head, doesn't mean it should come out of my mouth.

When a child is born, then a grandmother is born!

Musician: Someone who packs $5000 worth of gear into a van and drives 100 miles to make $50.

I make a cup of coffee disappear, so what's your superpower?

Nurses can't fix stupid, but they can sedate it!

Never laugh at your wife's choices, you are one of them!

Sometimes when I open my mouth, my mother comes out.

Jesus loves you, but I'm his favorite.

I am who I am, your approval isn't needed.

I may be left-handed, but I'm always right!

I did a cartwheel the other day thinking it was like riding a bike, it's not!

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

Love you more!

****************

Shampoo Warning!

Have you been gaining weight recently? Well, perhaps it's your shampoo. If you use shampoo in the shower, check the label carefully, because when you wash your hair the shampoo soap runs down the whole body and if the shampoo clearly states on the label that it is “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME”, then if the labels true, you will be gaining weight!

Well, here is the solution. Just get rid of that shampoo and start showering with Dawn dish soap, because the label reads “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE!” Then previous shampoo weight gain problem will be solved! Right?!

****************

The Church Game of Football 

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation. 

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship. 

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave. 

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. 

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. 

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. 

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. 

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. 

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep. 

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member. 

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life. 

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service. 

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer. 

Touchdown – When the Truth of God’s word hits home! 

Field Goal – The Preacher stays right with his message and doesn’t wander off. 

Touchback – When nothing seems to go as planned. 

Lateral - Asking someone else to answer a question or to pray. 

Punt - When we say, “I’ll pray about that.” 

Tackle - Take on a big question and answer it with scriptural truth. 

Huddle - Standing in a circle and praying. 

Kickoff - Starting the service off with prayer.

. 

***********************

How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb? 

Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air. 

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. 

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times. 

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.) 

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken. 

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was. 

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. 

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. 

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass. 

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. 

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change. 

Amish: What’s a light bulb? 

**************

SOME CHRISTIAN ICE BREAKERS FOR YOUNG MEN

It can be hard to for young men to start a conversation with a young lady for the first time, so here are ten ice breaker lines that might help. Or not!

1. Hi there, I know all five of the love languages!

2. I didn't believe in predestination until now.

3. I'm glad Adam gave up that rib for you.

4. If I were Sampson, I'd let you cut off my hair.

5. I would part the Red Sea to get to you.

6. Last night I was reading the book of Numbers and realized I didn't have yours.

6. I'd love to get left behind with you.

7. Solomon had 700 wives because he never met you.

8. Is this heaven, because you look like an angel.

9. The Bible says Moses's face shone; it must have looked just like yours.

10. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? 

*******PREVIOUS JOKES*********

ALL DENOMINATIONS WELCOME 

My Church is really open to all denominations, but prefers $10's and $20's.

*********

KIDS ARE FREE

One Sunday, a young boy went to church with his Grandparents and watched as people put money in the offering plate. As the plate came to the row they were in, he saw his grandfather pull out his wallet. The boy then poked his grandfather and said, "Don't put any in for me, because I'm only five and kids eat for free!"

*****************

RALPH AND THE POPE

Ralph and his neighbor became golfing buddies. He noticed that Ralph seemed to know everyone. So, jokingly I asked him one day, after the mayor had greeted him, “Do you know everyone?” He answered a simple “Yes.” 

I replied, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?" He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He gets out his cell phone and dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?" 

He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president. Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up. 

His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.'

But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend decides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction. 

So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in St. Peter's Square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph. 

Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?" 

"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was when some Asian man standing next to me said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'"

*************************

THE BAPTIST DOG

The Pastor's wife wanted a dog, but it had to a Baptist Dog. So, they went to pet stores to look.

At each store they stated their request for a Baptist dog, but didn't have much success, until they went to one small store. The owner said," I have just the right dog for you."

He brought out the dog and told it to fetch the Bible, and sure enough he did. Then he asked the dog to find Acts 2:38 in the Bible. The dog pawed thru the pages until he found the verse and pointed to it. Wow said the couple, "We'll take him!"

Once home the Pastor and his wife had some church friends over and wanted them to see the Baptist dog. They had him fetch the Bible and look up several verses. The friends were impressed and said he was a real Baptist!

Then the Pastor wanted to see if he could do more, so he commanded the dog to heel. "Heel!" commanded the Pastor. The dog immediately jumped up on the Pastor's lap and placed his paw on his forehead and began to howl!

At that the Pastor said loudly, "Oh no, he's a Pentecostal!" 

********************

TEN THINGS YOU RARELY HEAR IN CHURCH

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!

2. I was so enthralled; I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

**********************

Bad Words

A newly married woman was explaining to her Pastor that her new husband was verbally abusing her with four letter words. She said it was horrible!

The Pastor was very concerned and asked, "What kind of four-letter words is he saying?"

"Pastor, they are so tormenting," she replied with a sob. Again, the Pastor asked her, "Please tell me, what are words?

"OK, Pastor, I'll tell you." She replied, "They are words like "work, cook, dust, wash, iron...!"

*************

A Sermon on Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. 

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

***********************

Hymns for All Professions

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns

Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation

Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away

Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises

Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See

IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All

Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On

Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light

Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By

Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me

Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician

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LITTLE LEAGUE RULES

Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a Little League game for a conference.

"See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?" 

"Yes, sir," replied Larry.

"Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please try to explain it to your mother."

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MAKING BABIES

One evening at supper, the dad asked their son what he had learned at school that day. The boy said that they learned how to make babies.

The Father replied cautiously, "Oh! How exactly do you make babies?" 

The boy replied quickly, "It's easy. You take the word ' baby' and replace the 'y' with 'ies'.

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GOLF FACTS

Golf stands for Getting Out & Living Fine! 

A golfer's diet is to stay on greens as much as possible!

Some golfers play the ball where it lies, and others lie about their play.

The best way to lower a score is with an eraser.

When your hitting the ball poorly you hate golf, but as soon as you hit one good one, you love it!

Even if conditions are bad and you play poorly, it beats being at work!

If you were to hit a ball that strikes someone, you feel bad, because it has cost you a stroke!

If you hit a ball that might strike someone you are to yell 'fore!', unless they are playing to slow!!

A 'birdie' is not hitting a 'flying fowl' or speaking a 'foul word' after mishitting a ball, but it means a score of one under par on a hole.

A 'par' on a hole is how many strokes it should take to get the ball from the tee box into the cup, which is 'par'ticularly hard for most golfers.

A' hole in one' is hitting ball just once off the tee box and having it go in the cup, not having a hole in one of your socks.

An 'Eagle' is not seeing our national bird flying in the sky but means scoring two under par on a hole.

A 'worm burner' is not a griddle to fry grubs on but means a ball that's hit with no loft that just skims over the grass.

The terms 'draw and fade' do not refer to painting but hitting a ball which will curve left or right.

'Mulligan' does not mean your Irish buddy, but it means taking a do over shot. 

The 'Driver' is the biggest club in the set that hits the ball the furthest, not the guy driving the golf cart.

A 'Putter' is a flat club used when on the green to stroke the ball into the cup, not someone who takes all day to hit the ball.

'Hitting the Sweet Spot' does not mean stopping by Baskin Robins for ice cream, but having the ball strike the place on the club face which will produce the longest distance.

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Paper-Eating Dog

A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister." 

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JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!

There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take. All of a sudden, he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.

He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who was saying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.

"Did you say that?" asked the burglar.

"Yes," replied the parrot.

"By the way, what's your name?" the burglar inquired. “Moses," answered the parrot.

"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"

"The same people who named their rottweiler Jesus!"

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CONVERTING A BEAR

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.

One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!" 

So, they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.

They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."

The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in bad shape. He's in a wheelchair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So, he lunges at me, and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."

Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."

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1000 POINTS TO GET INTO HEAVEN

A man dies and goes to heaven when Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, “You need 1000 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item. When you reach 1000 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was happily married to the same woman for fifty years and never cheated on her, not even in my mind.”

“That’s wonderful,” says Peter, “that’s worth two points!”

“Two points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and gave my ten percent tithe faithfully.”

“Terrific!” says Peter. “That’s definitely worth a point.”

“One point? My goodness! Well, what about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for the homeless?”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.

“TWO POINTS!” the man cries. “At this rate the only way I can get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

Peter says, “That’s absolutely correct - come on in!"

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THE PEARLY GATES

Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gate in heaven and noticed a bunch of rough looking gang members, who had just died in a car crash, coming toward him. He went to the Lord and asked what he should do with the gang. 

The Lord asked Peter "What do usually do?" Peter replied that he just directed them where they should go. "Just do that, “ said the Lord. So, Peter left.

Soon he returned yelling, "They are gone, they are gone!" The Lord asked, "You mean the gang members?" "No" said Peter, "The Pearly Gates!" 

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You Ask Him

Once an Atheist Teacher challenged a Christian student about how Jonah could have survived three days in the belly of that whale. The student just said he didn't know but would ask Jonah what it was like when he saw him in heaven. 

The Teacher sarcastically asked, "What if Jonah wasn’t in heaven but went to hell?" The student quickly replied, "Then you ask him!"

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ONE LINE ZINGERS

* If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?

* Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

* The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

* "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.”

* Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: “First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.”

* "If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must love our church.”

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MY DAD IS BETTER THAN YOUR DAD

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." 

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." 

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!

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THE WEATHER REPORT

A young Indian was made chief, after the passing of his father, and the tribe asked him what the winter would be like. He hadn't learned the old ways of reading the animal behavior, so he just said to start gathering wood. He then called the weather bureau and asked if the winter would be hard. They told him that it looked like it would be a hard one.

Later, the tribe again asked the young Chief about the coming winter, and he again told them to gather in more wood. After that he again called the weather bureau and asked if they were sure about the cold winter prediction. "Yes, very cold" they told him.

As the weather changed, again the tribe asked about the winter, and he once again said to keep gathering wood. But to make sure of his advice, he once again called the weather bureau and asked if they were sure of their hard winter prediction. They said "We're positive! Very hard!" "How do you know?" he asked. "Because the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!"

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